You’ve heard about him, right? The Elf on the Shelf, I mean. A cute little magical surprise every morning for children. Feels more like the Christmas crabs for parents. This is my first year with the Elf.
I had avoided the
Christmas crabs Elf for a few years, and I could in fact lie and say that my kids begged me to get them one. But the truth is, I wanted one. Why do you ask? Because of all those other moms on Facebook that make him look like sooooo much fun. Bitches.
So I could lie right now and tell you that the Elf on the Shelf is the best shit since Magic Mike, but I won’t. Here is the truth about the Elf and why you need to
guard your loins avoid him.
1. The first rule of The Elf on the Shelf
cult manifesto book, is that you must name the Elf. Once you name something, it is hard to get rid of it. Think about that. The minute you name a pet that has wandered into your house or a child that has wandered out of your hoo ha, you are stuck with it until it leaves you or dies. The Elf can do neither. It will stay with you forever, or until you banish gift it to one of your children. And if you have two children, it might be wise to give it to which ever child you think will more than likely get trigger happy if they are ever in a pull the plug situation with you.
2. Like sex, the Elf on the Shelf is all fun and games until somebody gets stuck with a responsibility. And that responsibility is having to move the Elf every night. Some person who is an idiot might now be thinking, how hard can that be? Well, it isn’t, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Yes, I just read that. You forget. And when you forget the kid asks questions, and you feel like a giant douchebag. So in order to not forget you make yourself paranoid thinking, “Where is the Elf?” And God forbid you start walking around saying that out loud because you will probably get yourself a one way ticket to Shady Pines for the holidays.
3. You have to keep upping the ante. You might start out mild. The first day the little bugger shows up you will just put him on a shelf. And then you will find yourself pleased at how excited this makes your child. So the next night you do something a little bit more inventive. And your child will be even more delighted. But let’s say you get a little lazy one night and your Elf is back to just sitting on a shelf. Well, guess what? That won’t be good enough for your kids. They’ll wonder if the Elf is sick or angry or bored with them. And before you know it, the Elf is like another person you have to care about with feelings and shit. You and the Elf might need counseling. He’ll need antidepressants, and before you know it you are both drinking and bitching about your needs and wants.
4. He will fuck with your sleep. Just as you have all your kids in bed and begin to drift off for a few minutes of peace and quiet, it will hit you. Did I move the Elf? Maybe you don’t remember. So you contemplate getting out of bed. But then you think maybe you will just move it in the morning because your bed feels so fantastic and everybody is asleep. But now you can’t sleep because you aren’t sure what to do over this stupid effing Elf. And you can bet that if you get out of bed, the Elf will have been moved. And if you don’t, he will still be in the same lame spot from the night before. So you’re fucked.
5. Some other kid will no doubt have a cooler Elf that is being manipulated by an equally disgruntled mother who takes her anger out by way of overachieving and posting photos on Facebook. She is the same mother who hooks new mothers into starting this Elf nonsense. She needs to be taken out. Maybe you can set it up so that your Elf can do that.
Stay away from the Elf. He is that bad crowd that your mother warned you about. That loser boyfriend that you have to do everything for. But you can’t break up with this guy…..and he will always live in your house in the name of Christmas cheer. Creepy.
Tags: elf on the shelf